Message from The Editor:
So there I was, going through the spam box of the mail@ account on the Wyrd Ways Rock Show email system. Somewhere near the bottom, I found the following. To preserve the authenticity, I have copied and pasted directly from the original document.
Ali, whoever you are, wherever you are, may the Gods of Metal smile upon you…
Review of Babymetal:
Crowd: ? ALWAYS LOOK ON THR BRIIIIGHT SSSIDE OF LIIIIFE
Babymetal: BOUNCE ON STAGE LIKE BOUNCY THINGS KAAAAWAAAAAAIIII
Babymetal backing band: MELTS ALL FACES
Babymetal backing band bassist: PLAYS JACO PASTORIUS LEVEL TAPPED SOLO THAT EVEN SOMEONE LIKE FLEA COULD NEVER HOPE TO DO
Babymetal guitarist: PLAYS STEVE VAI LEVEL SOLO
Babymetal Singer: makemecircle (twirls fingers round) I SAY MAKE ME CIRCLE
Crowd: MAKES BIGGEST CIRCLE PIT I HAVE EVER SEEN.
Babymetal backing band: MELTS ALL FACES
BabyMetal: YATATATATATATITITITITITITYATATATATATTTTOOOTITITITIT CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE TITITITYATATATATA
Crowd: GOES MENTAL
BabyMetal singer: Gimmeee WOOOOAAAAAAAYYYAAAAAOOOOOOO
Crowd: (responds to call and response as if it were Freddie himself calling it)
Sky: RAINS LIKE FUCK ON EVERYONE
Crowd: DOESNT CARE BECAUSE BABYMETAL ARE FUCKING AWESOME AND THEIR FACES ARE MELTED OFF BY THE BACKING BAND AND HEARTS FILLED WITH TEH UBERKAWAIIII
Babymetal: FANKOOO DONNINTOOON SEEEYAAAAA
Babymetal backing band: MELTS MOAR FACES
Crowd: PIT PIT PIT MOSH MOSH MOSH FUCK WE’RE ALL SOOO FUCKING WET BUT FUCKING HELL THAT WAS AN EPIC SET FROM WHAT WE ALL THOUGHT WERE A FAKE GIMMICK BAND
Crowd: is wet and grateful for under cover gig
Wildhearts: have less hair and less hairspray and less spandex and looser clothes in general than when I last saw them a few times in the nineties
Wildhearts: play some great songs that were minor hits in the 90s
Wildhearts: play Motörhead song
Review of Korn:
Sky: FUCK YOU ALL AHAHAHAHA
Crowd: FUCK YOU RIGHT BACK WE HAVE PONCHOS
Korn: be 50 year old zillionaires having teenage angst
Crowd: Bounce a little bit
crowd: bounce a tiny bit
Korn: I SAID ‘JABBERWOOCKEYSCOOOBYDOOWAKKAWAKKABIBBITYBOBBITYBOO’
Crowd: some bouncing
Crowd: bouncing reduces
Ali: wanders off for nachos
Review of Rammstein‘s first song:
Til: I AM THE GOD OF HELLFIRE
Arthur Brown: er…. Excuse me, I think you’ll find actually that…
Rammstein: FUCK YOU OLD MAN THIS IS OUR CENTURY MOAR FIYAH AND EXPLOSIONS AND SEXY SEXY MUSCLES AND BOOOOOOOOOM
Review of Ranmstein:
Sky: HAHAHAHFUCK YOU WE WILL RAIN ON YOU
Crowd: NO FUCK YOUBWE HAVE PONCHOS AND WELLIES
Rammstein: it’s okay guys, we’ll warm you up with SO MUCH FUCKING FIRE
Crowd: we love you sexy sexy Nazi men
Rammstein: DONT CALL US THAT! WE’RE THE NICE GERMANS
Crowd: BUT YOU BLOW EVERYTHING UP AND HAVE SEXY OUTFITS AND MUST HAVE BEEN SOME SORT OF EUGENICS EXPERIMENT RAISED BY KRAFTWERK AND LEFT TO PLAY WITH MATCHES IN THE KITKATCLUB AS KINDER
Rammstein: NO, WE’RE NICE GERMANS AND TO PROVE IT WE WILL ONLY BE SLIGHTLY UBERMENSCHEN AND BLITZKRIEGY AND WILL SING A NICE SONG ABOUT OUR MOMMY
Crowd: WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH BLOW MORE SHIT UP INCLUDING THE GIMP KEYBOARD PLAYER AND THE STAGE
Rammstein: JA! AND VE VILL FLY ABOUT ON FLAMING ROCKET SHOOTING ANGEL WINGS
Crowd: WE LOVE YOU SRSLY FOR REALS
Rammstein: HAVE MORE FUCKING AWESOME MUSIC AND ROCKETS AND SMOKE JETS AND FIRE THEN
Crowd: SPAFFS DRY OF TEH AWESUM
Rammstein: You’re velcum.
Review is Sixx AM:
Nikki Sixx: HELLO DONNINGTON
Crowd: HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?
NIKKI SIXX: LETS RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWK
Crowd: No, seriously, how are you still alive? (Starts to bounce)
NIKKI SIXX: I HAVE HAD SEXUAL SEX WITH MORE PEOPLE THAN THERE ARE IN THIS ENTIRE AUDIENCE
Crowd: WE KNOW, SPEAK TO US OF YOUR WISDOM OF THE WAYS OF RAWKSECKS
Nikki Sixx: YOU ALWAYS LOVED THIS COCK ROCK SHIT REALLY EVEN THOSE OF YOU MISERABLE FUCKERS WHO CLAIM TRUE METAL IS THE ONLY TRUE RELIGION
Crowd: YOU SPEAK TRUTH (does RAWK hands and bounces more)
Nikki Sixx: GIRLS SHOW ME YOUR BOOBIES
Crowd: hmm maybe… Not right now though, it’s cold
NIKKI SIXX: SINGS EPIC POWER BALLAD ABOUT BEING A DEPRAVED RAWKSTAR WHO GOT CLEAN
Crowd: NAH THANKS SING ABOUT DEPRAVED SEX SHIT PLS
Nikki Sixx: OKAY!
Crowd: NO BUT SERIOUSLY HOW ARE YOU EVEN ALIVE?
Nikki Sixx: I WROTE ABOUT IT IN SOME BOOKS YOU CAN ORDER AVAILABLE IN ALL GOOD BOOKSHOPS AND ON AMAZON
Crowd: YOUR PLAN TO HAVE A SECOND PHASE OF YOUR CAREER IS WORKING AND YOURE SORT OF COOL AND THE SONGS ARE DECENT ENOUGH AND YOU ACTUALLY OFFER SOME INTERESTING INSIGHT ABOUT ALL THAT DEPRAVED CRUE RAWK SHIT
Nikki Sixx: OH THANK FUCK IM NOT TURNING INTO A TOTAL CUNTY WANKER LIKE GENE SIMMONS THEN
Crowd: RAISES FISTS AND GETS INTO IT EVEN MORE
Ali: yeah, alright, but you’re no Zodiac Mindwarp
Lawnmower Deth review:
Lawnmower Deth: HAHAHAHHOLYFUCK THERE ARE A LOT OF YOU HAVE SOME CLOWNS AND SILLY STRING AND BALLS ANS RAISE YOUR HANDS AND DO MEXICAN WAVES AND BOUNCE
Lawnmower Deth: HOLY FUCK WE’RE OLD AND WERE ONLY TAKING THE PISS IN THE FIRST PLACE HOW THE FUCK ARE WE PLAYING DONNINGTON AT THIS AGE STILL
Lawnmower Deth: WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST
Kim Wilde: ITS ACTUALLY REALLY ME NO SERIOUSLY
Lawnmower Deth: OKAY WERE GOING TO DONA SONG WITH KIM WILDE
Crowd: FUCK YEAH
Kim Wilde and Lawnmower Deth: EGG SANDWICH EGG SANDWICH EGG SANDWICH
KIM WILDE AND LAWNMOWERDETH: PSYCHE!!
Crowd: HAAHAHAHAH NO SERIOUSLY JIST PLAY IT THAT WAS FUNNY BUT GO ON
Kim Wilde: OKAY – KIDS IN AMERICA KIDS IN AMERICA KIDS IN AMERICA
Crowd: NAAAA NA NAAAA NAAA NAAAAAAAAAAAH
Kim Wilde: WERE THR KIDS WERETHE KIDS WERE THE KIDS IN AMEEEEERICCCA
Creowd: NAAAAAAAAAAA NAAAAAA NAAAAANAAAAAA NAAAAAAA
Lawnmower Deth; we can’t fucking believe she agreed to that but I suppose she must have for a few royalties out of us over the years so cheers Kim mwah mwah mwah
Review of The Megadeths:
The Megadeths: RAAAARAAA WIDDLE WIDDDLE WIDDDLE HELLLLO DONNNINGTOOON RAAAAAARAAAAWIDDDDLEEWIDDLE
Crowd: We quite like this actually
Ali: doesn’t like this actually. Wanders off to find AntiFlag to see if they put the drums in the circle pit again like they did at Rebellion last year
Ali: is also quite dunk so apologises if quality levels dop
Antiflag: WE ARE ANT EYE FLAG
CROWD: speak properly please
Antiflag: PITTSBURGH PENNSYLVANIA
Antiflag: POLITICS POLICE BRUTALITY RELIGION
Antiflag: starts to be interesting and good
Crowd: hmm wait actually
Antiflag; MAKE FRIENDS WITH PEOPLE AROUND YOU AND BE FRIENDLY AND SHIT
ANTIFLAG: MAKE MORE NOISE THAN THE MEGADETHS
CRROWD: OKAY RAAAAAAAAAARGH
ANtiflag: sing some stuff back to us
Antiflag: STARTS TO KILL IT NOW THEYRE NOT TALKING ABOUT POLITICS OR FUCKING PITTSBURG PENNSYLVANIA
crowd: FUCK THEYRE ACTUSLLY KILLING IT
Antiflag: IF SOMEONE FALLS DOWN PICK THEM UP LOOK AFTER EQCH OTHER WHILST WE’RE FUCKING KILLING IT
Crowd: HOLY FUCK THEYRE DEFIJITELY KILLIJG IT.
crowd: RAISES HANDS AND BOUNCES AND SHIT
ANtiflag: PLAYS CLASH SONG
CROWD- TOTALLY LOSES IT AND THE PIT IS FUCKIJG HARDCORE BUT AS DIREXTED EBERYONE THAT FALLS DOWN GETS PICKED UP
Antiflag: PLAYS SONG WITH LOVELY MELODIC CHORUS
Crowd: TOTALLY SINGS IT ALL ALONG AND FUCK YOU THE MEGADETHS
Antiflag: PLAYS SONG AND STARTS CIRCLE PIT
CROWD: DOES EPIC CIRCLE PIT
Antiflag: DISASSEMBLES DRUMKIT AND MOVE IT TO THE FUCKING PIT AND THE SINGER CLIMBS ON IT AND THE crowd: IS LIKE ??????YOURE SEPPOS THAT ARE BORING ABOUT POLITICS BUT FUCKING HELL YOU BROUGHT IT TODAY
Review of Skindred:
Crowd: WE’RE ALL FUCKING METALHEADS WHO LIKE METAL AMD METAL IS DEPRESSED WHITE BOY BLUES AND ANGST BUT HEY WAIT A SECOND THATS A BLACK GUY?
Skindred: YES IM A BLACK GUY
Crowd: BUT YOU SING LIKE TOM JONES. WAIT. SHIT. NO. YOU SING LIKE ROB HALFORD. WAIT. SHIT. NO. YOU SING LIKE EDDY GRANT.
Skindred: HAHAHA I CAN DO ALL THAT SHIT AND RAGGAZAGGGA TOASTIN TOASTING
Crowd: fucking hell…
SKINDRED: MELTS ALL FACES ABD MAKES CROWD BOUNCE BOUNCE
crowd: BOUNCES BOUNCES
Skindred: MAKES CROWD SING
crowd: SINGY SINGY SING
SKindred: YOU CUNTS (he calls the crowd cunts a lot but that’s okay because that just means best mate if you’re from Wales, which the singerist is) ARENT SINGING LOUD ENOUGH. MY KIDS ARE HERE, DONT EMBARASS ME IN FRONT OF MY KIDS YOU CUNTS
Crowd: SINGY SINGY SINGY FUCKING ALL THE SINGY SING
Skindred: MORE LIKE IT BUT BOUNCE AND SING
Crowd: BOUNCES AND SINGS AND DOES A LITTLE SEX WEE ABOUT HOW FUXKING AWESOME SKINDRED ARE
Skindred; OKAY HERE’S A NEW SONG
crowd: FUCK ME THATS AN INSTANT CLASSIC CAN WE ALL GO ONLINE TO BUY A COPY NOW?
Skindred: NO YOU FUCKING CANT YOU CUNTS BECAUSE YOU NEED TO FUCKING BOUNCE AND MOSH SOME MORE
Crowd: OKAY IF WE SKANK AND BOGLE A BIT TOO?
Skindred: TOO FUCKING RIGHT YOU CAN YOU CUNTS
Crowd: WE’RE NOT SURE WHEN THE COMMITTEE THAT RUNS METAL STARTED LETTING BLACK DUDES WITH PROPER DREADS AND SHIT BE FRONTMEN INSTEAD OF JUST THE OCCASIONAL BASS PLAYER IF NO ONE ELSE WAS AVAILABLE BUT THANK FUCK THEY DID BECAUSE THIS IS FUCKING EPIC
Skindred: HAHAHAHAHA TOASTIN TOASTIN MEEEETTAAAAAAL SCCCCCREEEEEEEAAAAAAM TOOASTIN TOOOASTIN
Crowd: THIS IS SO GOOD
Skindred: does Nobody Gets Out Alive
Crowd: WE CANT EVEN HANDLE THIS ITS SO FUCKING GOOD
Skindred: NOW TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OF AND WHIRL THEM ABOVE YOUR HEAD
Crowd: NEWPORT HELICOPTER IN FULL EFFEXT EVEN IN THE PISSING RAIN
Skinded: NAILED IT
crowd: YOU DID. KEEP DOING THIS SHIT AND YOULL BE PROPER HEADLINING IN A FEW YEARS
Ali: you know what? Beavis and Butthead giving cred to Cypress Hill is probably how we got here and what convinced the committee to let black dudes in. Shame we had to get through The Limp Biscuits to make it here though. But damn, that was some fine stuff.
Review of The Temperance Movement:
Temperance Movement: plays lame MOR
Ali: yawns and wanders off in search of coffee
Ali’s attempt to pull Sexy Rawk Girlie:
Ali: Hey Sexy Rawk Girlie how’s it going?
Sexy Rawk Girlie: oh hey, yeah having a great time how’re you and what bands have you seen and are you having a great time and is your tent dry and where are you from and what sort of music are you into and bounce bounce happy happy chatty friendly talk talk
Ali: realises he cannot communicate with humans. Only cats and the people that live in his phone. And also has a horrific moment of self awareness about the state of his personal hygiene and breath that could fuel Rammstein’s flamethrower and nutsack fluff that Sarah Pickles could make the evilest of felt dragons out of and may need solvents to remove his socks.
Sexy Rawk Girlie: oh, hey, you look a bit ill, you feeling okay, I’ve got some paracetamol in my bag if you need it and I can get you some water and
Ali: I’ll leave you alone forever
Sexy Rawk Girlie: oh. Okay, well, hope you feel better soon and have a great rest of Download
Review of Jane’s Addiction:
Jane’s Addiction: Hey Ali, would you like to be right at the front of the stage
Ali: yes please
Jane’s: oh, and would you like some dancers suspended by hooks in their back swinging above your head?
Ali: yes please
Girls in crowd: would you like us to get our boobies out?
Ali: um… Okay, sure… If you want to, that would be cool
Jane’s: and would you like us to play all your favourite songs?
Ali: yes please
Jane’s: No problem
Jane’s: and is it okay is we do a tribute to Bowie and get everyone to sing along to Rebel Rebel?
Jane’s: and we can finish with Jane Says, which is one of the loveliest songs ever, yeah?
Ali: oh fucking thank you I love you and have such a burst of teh happies
Jane’s: you’re welcome Ali we clearly love you too as we’ve done all this for you
Review of Iron Maiden:
Ali: it’s still stupid o’clock and I’ve got a long day ahead packing up and getting home but let’s do this. Iron Maiden have for a really long time now been a core part of what being British and slightly angsty and needing some escapism is. They used to be really serious and needed to position themselves as something that was against the establishment and had a lot to prove. But they won that battle and became the establishment. Or rather the establishment of the alternative to the mainstream. They very cleverly gamed having a number one hit single in the same way that Bill Drummond and the KLF did, which broke them right through to the mainstream, and offered horror and fantasy and history as ways to personify and manage difficult emotions. Just like Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Somewhere along the line two things happened. First – They stopped being just for white male adolescents. Some of those guys grew up and kept loving Maiden for the music and some of the shit maiden helped them with never went away anyway. But that Teenage Dirtbag song made the point that Maiden didn’t just work for those guys but girls feeling some of the same things too. And not just for British people but the shared experience of growing up worldwide. And South America especially loved them. In just one other important example I can think of their importance in another culture is shown in Persepolis – an autobiographical story about a girl growing up in and then escaping from post-revolution Iran of the Ayatollahs where she talked about how black market Iron Maiden cassettes changed her life. Second – somewhere down the line Maiden stopped taking themselves seriously and maybe saw Spinal Tap and got the joke, or realised what they were really offering with all this horror and history and decided that dealing with emotions and issues didn’t have to be all serious and could be fun too. That’s when I started liking them.
Maiden: thank you for that, Ali, but we’re now going to play some of those songs about horror and history and fantasy and everyone is going to raise their horns and sing along
Crowd: awwwww yiiiisssssss
Eddie: oh hai
Crowd: FUCK YEAH EDDIE
Brucie: Guys, I have some bad fucking news, maybe some of you out here haven’t heard, but some wanker shot a whole load of people who were just out dancing and having fun. And a load of politicians are already jumping on it and being arseholes. Fuck that. Those gay dudes who were out dancing were our brothers and fuck those murdering arseholes of all persuasions and the politicians who’re making it worse with their agendas. It’s all more important than ever that we all have to live and love and sing and dance. So I’m changing the set and all eighty five thousand of us are gonna sing a song called Blood Brothers, for each other and for those people that were killed.
Crowd: respect. And yes. Let’s live and love and sing and dance.
Maiden: BLOOD BROOOTHHHERS. WHOOOAAAAAH OOOOOHHH AAAAOOOOH.
Crowd: BLOOD BROOOTHHHERS. WHOOOAAAAAH OOOOOHHH AAAAOOOOH.
Brucie: Yes. That. Be good to each other.