Dear God

Firstly, how they hangin’? :D

I watched the 52nd Grammy Awards the other night. Can I start by thanking you for today’s pop/rap artists ... why go to the zoo when you can just flick on the TV and watch these idiots? You’ve saved me the annual subscription fee to national geographic - TV license is paid :)

Firstly, singing live with an auto tune machine!!! hahahaha ... this is a new one ...Cher did it in a song years ago as an effect on her voice and now everyone feels it’s ok to launch their careers with a machine on their voice ... does everyone not hear that these singers all sound the same? Like Pac man :) ?? Enough already, we get it … shhhhh. What happened to the days of human made music? There’s no more human expression. It's only ideas and machines. It is the bridge between an idea and its end result that has changed so much. If the day comes when my child (to-be) points at a Timbaland ft Katy Perry cd and says ‘I want it’ I’m going to have to explain that music is a freedom for you to enjoy and experience …. Just not this one, cause that’s FUCKING SHIT, now here .. eat this doughnut.

God .. their worth is shown through unit sales, and their thousands of unimaginative, mind washed, superficial and fashion focused fan base. Does the world really need to put up with an additional TV show and awards ceremony? That’s taking it to too far ... it’s good enough that people who have grown up with the likes of Pink Floyd, Led Zepp, the Rolling Stones, Toto, Metallica, Iron Maiden, Deep Purple, Vanilla Ice .. (ok that was to see if you’re paying attention).. put up with them wailing and dancing like corporate monkeys, polluting the minds of youths, so as to distract them from appreciating real musical creative skill and understanding what it actually means to be an "artist" …. but now we have to watch them patting each other on the back as well?!?!?!?!

And Lord, why are these "artists" performing with our stars of the past. It started with Lady Gagga and Elton John .. then that fucking disgusting waste of space Taylor Swift who sounded like a cat being fucked in the arse with a 14inch hot iron rod on stage with Stevie Nixx .. WHAT! I don’t want to hear these sounds God .. that would mean I want to hear a girl being raped with a pole … that’s just not Hallal God … come on

Believe it or not she actually got on stage to accept her award and said “I'd like to thank my record company FOR LETTING ME WRITE MY OWN SONGS” …. HELLOOOOO?!?! I wanted Stevie to get fed up and physically start eating her on stage spewing up little Taylors intestines over the front row .. Now that’s entertainment ... no really .. I’d pay for that. I would have taken pleasure in watching her sprawled out on the stage, pale in shock, cold and shaking, coughing out blood involuntarily and screaming for security whilst Stevie knaws away at the gapping cavity left in her stomach … OH, let’s not forget … to the unanimous droning chants from the audience ... "brains".

Lord .. If you actually DO exist .. Hurry up and take them away. Please. I watched these inspirations for birth control attempt to entertain me for over an hour. They are slowly but surely teaching our youth, our future, that the Sugarbabes is good music. I was in a coffee shop at ‘bullshit A.M.’ today and some little corporate whore by the name of Pixie Lott was on the news taking part in some government funded music education scheme!! FUCK .. they are in our primary schools now. When will this stop?

They congregate at these awards ceremonies. This is the perfect opportunity to take them all out in one go! You see now why contraception is so important. We really do need the rubber to be accepted in their churches. These pop “artists” keep thanking you every time they get on stage so I figure if you visit them one night - part the clouds and spilt the sky - and spread the word that condoms are OK then they will use them … and maybe … just maybe … not as many of them will procreate.

That or please amend the fifth commandment ;)

Thanks God … keep up the good work

Ed

 

THE STUDENT LIFE!! We're ALL DOOMED

Friday, 05 February 2010 at 15:02

A personal letter to all the new wave "metal/rock" bands that have graced us over the last 5-7 years

Tuesday, 19 January 2010 at 13:20

 

Dear "new wave"

 

The next band who screams "put your hands in the air" and/or "are you ready?" will be shot on site. Am I ready? No you fucking conformist predictable boring cunt, I've waited 3 months for this night, bought your ticket, stood on the street for an hour putting up with these skin head emo scene kid little shits talking about what the latest brand of conditioner is, got myself to the front of your stage, and now I'm just not ready! Sorry .. no .. I thought I was but now I'm having second thoughts. Wait .. let me go get a beer and have a smoke and then come back, I may be ready then. And what's that you say? Put my hands in the air as well! What .. do you have some kind of arm-pit fetish? My arms will instinctually and naturally rise to the salute upon you actually being good .. earn it, don't ask for it. Ok, tell you what, I'm just going to stand here at your metal show and express my individuality and my inner child that says fuck the world, follow your instructions for my arms, and then tell you  "I'm ready".

"Oh, but he is such a good front man .. and they work the crowd so well" .. NO .. no you don't .. you piss me off .. I'm not a front man and I can even figure out that an ounce of individuality and originalism would suggest you DON'T say these two things EVER again. Please. Cheers new wave, now enough of the "arm waving readiness" and go and spend your time working on the art of song writing rather than these amazing live show techniques. :D

Anyway .. Hope this finds you boys well .. and merry Christmas by the way :D how was yours? Mine was swell.

Take care and thanks for your input regardless, Eddie